RE: Poetry, Taylor, and Granddad's birth

It has been a very long time indeed; I probably wouldn't have slowed down enough to do this if it weren't for Jenny posting something on my facebook, so thanks Jenny. Basically alot of life has happened since that last post and it would take hours for me to write it all out.. I'm taking a poetry class at ACC this semester, it's at the Rio Grande campus downtown, which makes me feel extra cool sometimes but the rest of the time I just feel dumb for ever feeling extra cool haha. But I really enjoy the class and I love being in the city. I realize now how hindered alot of song lyrics are because the writer feels bound to rhyme. The poetry I've heard and read is so beautiful and deep and raw, I want to write songs like that. Words are so powerful, I love that God calls Himself the Word. I pray that He will be in the words I write and that He will seep into the hearts of the people in my class.

I have a girlfriend now! It's really odd when I say that though, because I don't think of her the way I think of other people's girlfriends, like when they talk about them. Just the word girlfriend seems so... insufficient maybe? I'm not sure. The point is, I've been friends with Taylor for a long time, and I feel like we're more like best friends now, which blesses me so much. I could write all about her, but it would take forever, and I wouldn't be able to capture the goodness and the beauty and the depth and the honey that is in her(not actually honey, I mean like pure goodness and sweetness and beauty and just deliciousness for the soul from the Lord). If you read this and you don't know her, you should meet her. But what I will say is that she has a very kind and tender heart towards people, and she makes sure her friends know that they are loved. That really amazes me.

My dad's dad died last week, Granddad. The thing is, he was very shriveled up and hunched over because of scoliosis, and so I have a hard time being sad because as I type he's probably leaping around and remembering how to climb trees and sprinting. I get really excited when I think about what he may be doing right now. And I sort of think it's like being born, because everything is different there. It's like he's been in the womb all his life, and now he is born and he's in heaven and it's not even comparable to here. Which is really exciting for him and for us. "When He returns with trumpet sound, let me then in Him be found. Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne. On Christ the solid rock I stand! All other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand!" This is my prayer, Lord. It's all for you. I can't wait!

...

hmm.... It's been quite a long time. Lots of life has happened. I want to want what God wants, and I want to write like CS Lewis. I feel like I've just been going through the motions spiritually, and I want to change that. I hate to think that I've become one of those churchy robots, I want to have a heart that beats savagely for the Kingdom. No more routine, no more. Every twitch, every strain, every sigh, every step, every embrace, every tear, every smile, every breath, let it be for You Lord. Let it be doused in grace. Endure me, teach me how to love you fiercely. Teach me not to let the monster of my selfish emotions take over in certain situations. Give me ears to hear You, and eyes to see You, a nose to smell, hands to touch, and feet to run and feel Your earth beneath me. Here I raise my ebaneser! Hither by Thy help I come. And I hope by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at Home! All glory to You on earth and in heaven! amen.

in regards to the fantastical church music conference, but mostly the celestial symphony

Well I've now been home from the fantastical church music conference for about five hours. I've pondered, thought, played, prayed, laughed, and missed being there all the while. But it's not like that. You never get to stay. Not yet. Rest in the perfect place will come when the Kingdom work is done. I look forward to it with great anticipation. I can't wait!

This weekend I was introduced to new christian music that has changed worship for me. It's changed alot for me. It showed me creativity, and innovation, and passion, beauty beyond measure, and a sense of awe. If you haven't heard Gungor, your missing out big time. Those guys blessed me so much!! They were so good! So talented! The first time they played, it was the bridge to their song Beautiful Things. The guitar started out as a wailing... a crying almost. And as it swung and grew the drums and bass and cello started spin around it almost, this swinging motion of sound, and always the drums like thunder pounding louder and louder and louder! Anticipation grows as so much beauty is happening at once, and then...

We start to raise our hands. First the man in front of me, then me and then others. Because God is the spring of all beauty. The river from which it flows. And the music was so beautiful!! I can't describe to you how beautiful! And sometimes words get in the way. Sometimes we just need the music, swelling and crashing and crescendoing like waves. It was a heavenly experience. I want to make music like that. I love making music like that.

The second night of the conference Louie giglio spoke. I love Louie! I want to be his friend! Man! I want to have coffee with him. But anyway, he spoke, and the query of the whole conference was "why do we sing?". And he said that we sing because we live in God's universe, and ere go how can we not sing. And said how when you create something, it automatically praises you. Because you created it. If an artist makes a beautiful painting, it praises that artist. And then he started talking about how the whole universe sings praise to our Creator as well. And then he was saying how humans can only hear twenty-five thousand hertz of sound, and whales can hear one hundred and twenty thousand hertz. There is alot out there that we cant' hear. And then he showed us the picture at the top of this post. It's a pulsar thats around 200,000 lightyears away. A pulsar is a neutron spinning star. And then he showed us this audio(it's the 7th one from the top) http://http://www.astrosurf.com/luxorion/audiofiles-pulsar.htm . After hearing that sound, I feel like my words mean nothing. So all i have to say after that is, that is our God!! What a God we serve! We are part of the symphony that the universe is singing and playing! We are part of the celestial symphony that praises Him forever!!

world without end...

It's beautiful this morning. Fog hovered over the grass, and then... The sun split through the branches of the trees, between the swaying blades of grass, turning every drop of rain water that releases its grasp from the trees into graceful glimmering sparks of gold. God, wow! How can we not praise You and sing to You all day? You are so good! You are better than all that we strive for and all that we desire on earth. Nothing can compare to the tidal wave of love and grace in knowing You. Help us to fall before Your throne everyday. Help me to pick up my cross and follow You. I want to. My heart is willing but my flesh is weak. Help me to overthrow my flesh. You are my Heart-Water! It's all for You Daddy! It's all for You! "Now to Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."

greetings from the 9th

Do you ever feel superior at being dumb when you are around people that are in high level math? Like wow i have a hard time with math and you guys can talk about it. Very impressive I think. I'm here on the 9th at pinnacle waiting for delanie and parker to get out of US governement. They should be done soon, and then I'm gonna go to guitar center to get some string for my black guitar. It's grey today, I like it alot. I like how mist collects in the low areas of the hills to the west. I love those hills! I can't wait to get to heaven and run up and down and across all the hills and through the trees and then off of water falls!! And to be one with my Jesus, my Daddy. The trials of life are worth enduring, the inconsistencies and failures and just overall flesh of my heart is worth enduring for that. I cant wait. "Prone to wander Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

lots of blah

as you can see, i can't seem to decide what i like for my background on this thing. i don't really think the books fit but i'm not in the mood to change it. i'm not really a big fan of myself the past few days. i feel far from God, and i then i feel close. and then i go to bed and wake up and i feel's like He's gone. but i know i've done it. i've been selfish and easily angered for the past week. i'm judging. i hate it. and i don't feel pursued. i don't feel like He's coming to rescue me from this. i just read and hear about how He's doing it for everyone else. Jesus i want to be filled with You. come and love me and give me rest. i don't know where You are. I'm tired of jealousy and anger and selfishness and judgement. i'm a hypocrite and an idiot. and I want You. please!! i need You! don't come and then go, stay!! stay with me!! i cant live without You. its not fun. its not good.

la li lo li fixer of cracked souls

I want to sing a song, that celebrates You, that delights You, that blesses You. I want it to be wildly joyous and silly. Because even though I sin, even though I'm a cracked soul, I awake to the trill of birds, to the sun glinting off the meadow, to the trees, to the clouds, to You. So I want to sing.

la li lo li fixer of cracked souls! la li lo li my Jesus my Love! You have filled these cracks with grace, You have filled with light my grace-mended soul! la li lo li lover of cracked souls!