lots of blah

as you can see, i can't seem to decide what i like for my background on this thing. i don't really think the books fit but i'm not in the mood to change it. i'm not really a big fan of myself the past few days. i feel far from God, and i then i feel close. and then i go to bed and wake up and i feel's like He's gone. but i know i've done it. i've been selfish and easily angered for the past week. i'm judging. i hate it. and i don't feel pursued. i don't feel like He's coming to rescue me from this. i just read and hear about how He's doing it for everyone else. Jesus i want to be filled with You. come and love me and give me rest. i don't know where You are. I'm tired of jealousy and anger and selfishness and judgement. i'm a hypocrite and an idiot. and I want You. please!! i need You! don't come and then go, stay!! stay with me!! i cant live without You. its not fun. its not good.