our friends the chrisman's let us borrow this documentary called "Furious Love". It's about putting God's love to the test. These dudes go to all these super dark places and love on people, and see if love can withstand the darkness and overcome. I wanted to cry afterwards. I wish I cried more. I wish my heart was so soft, that I embraced the beauty and power and sheer grace of things, that things moved me to tears. But no tears came. Only questions. Questions about me, about my beliefs, about my Jesus. Because deep down I'm kind of uncomfortable with Jesus. He seems kind of mean and smarty. And I've always loved the idea that God is untamed, that He is wild! Like Aslan!! And I thought that I was wild enough to be cool with God's wildness, but now I wonder if we see God's wild side in Jesus. And thats why it makes me uncomfortable. So, my mission is to get to know the person of Jesus, like paul did. I want to be like paul. He was a radical man. He was content to know Jesus. I want to know Jesus like that. Today I am feeling peace though. I feel like Jesus wants me to get to know Him, and that makes me happy. I do however want to say that I hate video games with a deep burning passion that squelches my very soul. The problem is that they are addictive. So while I'm having my peace about Jesus I decide to play some Modern Warfare 2 online. But after getting my butt handed to me on a platter I was furious and the peace was gone, at least for a few soul squelching moments. But thats why I hate them, they are fun, but empty. I am going to try really hard to stop playing them. I'm going to replace them with something cool, like studying trees, or learning the language of the netherlands, or making music. I want a cello super bad. I love cello's. And I love trees.
seems like that movie shook up our group, in a good way. it was really challenging. it was wierd that we all learned and felt so much, but it was difficult to talk about it. or maybe we were all just tired. i was so inspired by it. i saw our brothers and sisters across the world believing who God says He is, believing their identity in Him, and serving and loving in faith. being true Christians- radical lovers of people and Jesus Christ. God's been talking to me about trusting Him, that it's a choice and not a feeling. i'm going to believe Him, or i'm not.
ReplyDeletein my life, there have been a few moments where i glimpsed God and His kingdom, His character and plans, and i wanted to give everything i am and have for Him. this movie was another one of those experiences. it made me want to give everything. and i felt peaceful about moving across the world to serve in missions for the first time in my life. there was a calm, and fierceness, and staunch trust that i've never felt before. i don't know what God is calling me to do in the long run, but i know that He is calling me now, to run after Him with my whole heart, to not hold back anything, to be willing, to throw myself into His love with abandon.
i am praying for you, brother. for our whole group. i think it would be so cool if we memoriezed scripture together. like, huge portions. so cool. we could be a missionary team in Austin.
Ps. i like your posts. and i support cellos. and your desire to abolish video games. i want to kill my tv. and the radio. they have the same affect on me as video games do on you...
ReplyDeletei know what you mean about Jesus, too. praying for you as you seek...
yeah, man. it was awakening. i agree, it made me want to give everything. to just belly flop into whatever He calls me to.its exciting!! yes yes yes!!! huge portions!!! that would be amazing!! ps thank you :) i like yours too. its kinda funny since we talked about all of this in person and now i'm commenting about it. thanks for praying. that means alot to me.
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