lots of blah

as you can see, i can't seem to decide what i like for my background on this thing. i don't really think the books fit but i'm not in the mood to change it. i'm not really a big fan of myself the past few days. i feel far from God, and i then i feel close. and then i go to bed and wake up and i feel's like He's gone. but i know i've done it. i've been selfish and easily angered for the past week. i'm judging. i hate it. and i don't feel pursued. i don't feel like He's coming to rescue me from this. i just read and hear about how He's doing it for everyone else. Jesus i want to be filled with You. come and love me and give me rest. i don't know where You are. I'm tired of jealousy and anger and selfishness and judgement. i'm a hypocrite and an idiot. and I want You. please!! i need You! don't come and then go, stay!! stay with me!! i cant live without You. its not fun. its not good.

la li lo li fixer of cracked souls

I want to sing a song, that celebrates You, that delights You, that blesses You. I want it to be wildly joyous and silly. Because even though I sin, even though I'm a cracked soul, I awake to the trill of birds, to the sun glinting off the meadow, to the trees, to the clouds, to You. So I want to sing.

la li lo li fixer of cracked souls! la li lo li my Jesus my Love! You have filled these cracks with grace, You have filled with light my grace-mended soul! la li lo li lover of cracked souls!

nothing else Daddy

I am truly disgusted at how much I choose shit over God. I'm sorry to any who are reading this and don't like shit, but I think that God prefers honesty over niceness and properness. Anyway... I just can't seem to be faced with a choice, and choose Him over lustful temptation. I want to throw up when I think about how much I spit on Him and then turn away. And the things that I turn away for so easily are not even satisfying. I am begging, Daddy, renew my mind. RENEW MY MIND!! Nothing else but You!! Jesus!! Jesus!! Jesus!! NOTHING ELSE BUT YOU!!!! I don't want money or fame or popularity or sex or anything!! only You.

trees and cello's and jesus

our friends the chrisman's let us borrow this documentary called "Furious Love". It's about putting God's love to the test. These dudes go to all these super dark places and love on people, and see if love can withstand the darkness and overcome. I wanted to cry afterwards. I wish I cried more. I wish my heart was so soft, that I embraced the beauty and power and sheer grace of things, that things moved me to tears. But no tears came. Only questions. Questions about me, about my beliefs, about my Jesus. Because deep down I'm kind of uncomfortable with Jesus. He seems kind of mean and smarty. And I've always loved the idea that God is untamed, that He is wild! Like Aslan!! And I thought that I was wild enough to be cool with God's wildness, but now I wonder if we see God's wild side in Jesus. And thats why it makes me uncomfortable. So, my mission is to get to know the person of Jesus, like paul did. I want to be like paul. He was a radical man. He was content to know Jesus. I want to know Jesus like that. Today I am feeling peace though. I feel like Jesus wants me to get to know Him, and that makes me happy. I do however want to say that I hate video games with a deep burning passion that squelches my very soul. The problem is that they are addictive. So while I'm having my peace about Jesus I decide to play some Modern Warfare 2 online. But after getting my butt handed to me on a platter I was furious and the peace was gone, at least for a few soul squelching moments. But thats why I hate them, they are fun, but empty. I am going to try really hard to stop playing them. I'm going to replace them with something cool, like studying trees, or learning the language of the netherlands, or making music. I want a cello super bad. I love cello's. And I love trees.

Thank God You are You!

You say I'm more than a conqueror, but in order to conquer my sin, my nastiness, I must reveal it. I must bring my weaknesses out into the light. You say that whatever is brought out into the light becomes light. Something shiny and warm. In this world most beauty eventually turns to ashes or dust, but You say that You will turn my inside ashes into beauty. I spit in You face everyday, yet You say You are crazy in love with me. It all seems so backwards Daddy. Why do I even get to think about calling You daddy? I don't deserve it, I'm not like You. You disagree eh? I was? Before sin? Wow! See!?! You see me differently!! I've heard it called Creator's delight. And that is crazy and beautiful!! Thank You for being You!! For not being like me, like us!! You are so good!! Halellujah!! Let my heart yearn and long and thirst for You Daddy.