...

hmm.... It's been quite a long time. Lots of life has happened. I want to want what God wants, and I want to write like CS Lewis. I feel like I've just been going through the motions spiritually, and I want to change that. I hate to think that I've become one of those churchy robots, I want to have a heart that beats savagely for the Kingdom. No more routine, no more. Every twitch, every strain, every sigh, every step, every embrace, every tear, every smile, every breath, let it be for You Lord. Let it be doused in grace. Endure me, teach me how to love you fiercely. Teach me not to let the monster of my selfish emotions take over in certain situations. Give me ears to hear You, and eyes to see You, a nose to smell, hands to touch, and feet to run and feel Your earth beneath me. Here I raise my ebaneser! Hither by Thy help I come. And I hope by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at Home! All glory to You on earth and in heaven! amen.

in regards to the fantastical church music conference, but mostly the celestial symphony

Well I've now been home from the fantastical church music conference for about five hours. I've pondered, thought, played, prayed, laughed, and missed being there all the while. But it's not like that. You never get to stay. Not yet. Rest in the perfect place will come when the Kingdom work is done. I look forward to it with great anticipation. I can't wait!

This weekend I was introduced to new christian music that has changed worship for me. It's changed alot for me. It showed me creativity, and innovation, and passion, beauty beyond measure, and a sense of awe. If you haven't heard Gungor, your missing out big time. Those guys blessed me so much!! They were so good! So talented! The first time they played, it was the bridge to their song Beautiful Things. The guitar started out as a wailing... a crying almost. And as it swung and grew the drums and bass and cello started spin around it almost, this swinging motion of sound, and always the drums like thunder pounding louder and louder and louder! Anticipation grows as so much beauty is happening at once, and then...

We start to raise our hands. First the man in front of me, then me and then others. Because God is the spring of all beauty. The river from which it flows. And the music was so beautiful!! I can't describe to you how beautiful! And sometimes words get in the way. Sometimes we just need the music, swelling and crashing and crescendoing like waves. It was a heavenly experience. I want to make music like that. I love making music like that.

The second night of the conference Louie giglio spoke. I love Louie! I want to be his friend! Man! I want to have coffee with him. But anyway, he spoke, and the query of the whole conference was "why do we sing?". And he said that we sing because we live in God's universe, and ere go how can we not sing. And said how when you create something, it automatically praises you. Because you created it. If an artist makes a beautiful painting, it praises that artist. And then he started talking about how the whole universe sings praise to our Creator as well. And then he was saying how humans can only hear twenty-five thousand hertz of sound, and whales can hear one hundred and twenty thousand hertz. There is alot out there that we cant' hear. And then he showed us the picture at the top of this post. It's a pulsar thats around 200,000 lightyears away. A pulsar is a neutron spinning star. And then he showed us this audio(it's the 7th one from the top) http://http://www.astrosurf.com/luxorion/audiofiles-pulsar.htm . After hearing that sound, I feel like my words mean nothing. So all i have to say after that is, that is our God!! What a God we serve! We are part of the symphony that the universe is singing and playing! We are part of the celestial symphony that praises Him forever!!

world without end...

It's beautiful this morning. Fog hovered over the grass, and then... The sun split through the branches of the trees, between the swaying blades of grass, turning every drop of rain water that releases its grasp from the trees into graceful glimmering sparks of gold. God, wow! How can we not praise You and sing to You all day? You are so good! You are better than all that we strive for and all that we desire on earth. Nothing can compare to the tidal wave of love and grace in knowing You. Help us to fall before Your throne everyday. Help me to pick up my cross and follow You. I want to. My heart is willing but my flesh is weak. Help me to overthrow my flesh. You are my Heart-Water! It's all for You Daddy! It's all for You! "Now to Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."

greetings from the 9th

Do you ever feel superior at being dumb when you are around people that are in high level math? Like wow i have a hard time with math and you guys can talk about it. Very impressive I think. I'm here on the 9th at pinnacle waiting for delanie and parker to get out of US governement. They should be done soon, and then I'm gonna go to guitar center to get some string for my black guitar. It's grey today, I like it alot. I like how mist collects in the low areas of the hills to the west. I love those hills! I can't wait to get to heaven and run up and down and across all the hills and through the trees and then off of water falls!! And to be one with my Jesus, my Daddy. The trials of life are worth enduring, the inconsistencies and failures and just overall flesh of my heart is worth enduring for that. I cant wait. "Prone to wander Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

lots of blah

as you can see, i can't seem to decide what i like for my background on this thing. i don't really think the books fit but i'm not in the mood to change it. i'm not really a big fan of myself the past few days. i feel far from God, and i then i feel close. and then i go to bed and wake up and i feel's like He's gone. but i know i've done it. i've been selfish and easily angered for the past week. i'm judging. i hate it. and i don't feel pursued. i don't feel like He's coming to rescue me from this. i just read and hear about how He's doing it for everyone else. Jesus i want to be filled with You. come and love me and give me rest. i don't know where You are. I'm tired of jealousy and anger and selfishness and judgement. i'm a hypocrite and an idiot. and I want You. please!! i need You! don't come and then go, stay!! stay with me!! i cant live without You. its not fun. its not good.

la li lo li fixer of cracked souls

I want to sing a song, that celebrates You, that delights You, that blesses You. I want it to be wildly joyous and silly. Because even though I sin, even though I'm a cracked soul, I awake to the trill of birds, to the sun glinting off the meadow, to the trees, to the clouds, to You. So I want to sing.

la li lo li fixer of cracked souls! la li lo li my Jesus my Love! You have filled these cracks with grace, You have filled with light my grace-mended soul! la li lo li lover of cracked souls!

nothing else Daddy

I am truly disgusted at how much I choose shit over God. I'm sorry to any who are reading this and don't like shit, but I think that God prefers honesty over niceness and properness. Anyway... I just can't seem to be faced with a choice, and choose Him over lustful temptation. I want to throw up when I think about how much I spit on Him and then turn away. And the things that I turn away for so easily are not even satisfying. I am begging, Daddy, renew my mind. RENEW MY MIND!! Nothing else but You!! Jesus!! Jesus!! Jesus!! NOTHING ELSE BUT YOU!!!! I don't want money or fame or popularity or sex or anything!! only You.

trees and cello's and jesus

our friends the chrisman's let us borrow this documentary called "Furious Love". It's about putting God's love to the test. These dudes go to all these super dark places and love on people, and see if love can withstand the darkness and overcome. I wanted to cry afterwards. I wish I cried more. I wish my heart was so soft, that I embraced the beauty and power and sheer grace of things, that things moved me to tears. But no tears came. Only questions. Questions about me, about my beliefs, about my Jesus. Because deep down I'm kind of uncomfortable with Jesus. He seems kind of mean and smarty. And I've always loved the idea that God is untamed, that He is wild! Like Aslan!! And I thought that I was wild enough to be cool with God's wildness, but now I wonder if we see God's wild side in Jesus. And thats why it makes me uncomfortable. So, my mission is to get to know the person of Jesus, like paul did. I want to be like paul. He was a radical man. He was content to know Jesus. I want to know Jesus like that. Today I am feeling peace though. I feel like Jesus wants me to get to know Him, and that makes me happy. I do however want to say that I hate video games with a deep burning passion that squelches my very soul. The problem is that they are addictive. So while I'm having my peace about Jesus I decide to play some Modern Warfare 2 online. But after getting my butt handed to me on a platter I was furious and the peace was gone, at least for a few soul squelching moments. But thats why I hate them, they are fun, but empty. I am going to try really hard to stop playing them. I'm going to replace them with something cool, like studying trees, or learning the language of the netherlands, or making music. I want a cello super bad. I love cello's. And I love trees.

Thank God You are You!

You say I'm more than a conqueror, but in order to conquer my sin, my nastiness, I must reveal it. I must bring my weaknesses out into the light. You say that whatever is brought out into the light becomes light. Something shiny and warm. In this world most beauty eventually turns to ashes or dust, but You say that You will turn my inside ashes into beauty. I spit in You face everyday, yet You say You are crazy in love with me. It all seems so backwards Daddy. Why do I even get to think about calling You daddy? I don't deserve it, I'm not like You. You disagree eh? I was? Before sin? Wow! See!?! You see me differently!! I've heard it called Creator's delight. And that is crazy and beautiful!! Thank You for being You!! For not being like me, like us!! You are so good!! Halellujah!! Let my heart yearn and long and thirst for You Daddy.

the rains over sculpture falls

Today the hopkins, myself, my brothers, and moses went on an excursion into the greenbelt, while torrents of rain fell like little crystals of life and filled the creek and all the small rills and tributaries. lightning struck in the distance and thunder rolled and sometimes snapped or cracked through the sky! I felt so alive! We got to sculpture falls and I stood there and saw all the legions of trees boughs raised to the heavens recieving the rain with gratefulness, and i was amazed and humbled and in awe. I joined them. I'm so glad that God is who He is and that He gave us this beatiful place to stay while He works in us and grows us. It's overwhelming. Halelujah You are my shalom! Halellujah You are home! halellujah You are my heart water! Halellujah You are Father!! Thank You Abba.

post journey ponderings

This morning i picked the last of those huge dry clumpy boogers that you get when your in the mountains, the ones that are like the sticky rice on sushi. It's kind of sad. I miss the mountains, I miss the aspens shimmering and quaking, the carpet of forest across the valley, the great winding Animas, the oh so delicious taste of beef jerky eaten in the crisp mountain air. He answered my prayer, i asked Him on the way up that I would see a bear, and on our hike I saw the biggest black bear I've ever seen! And no, that wasn't the only black bear I've seen. He was the size of a grizzly, and extraordinarily fast!! God's just shockingly thoughtful and sweet. Although i miss Colorado, it was so wonderful to see all my friends. I don't deserve them. God is in them. Tonight after stone we got together and sang and ate waffles smothered in nutella and prayed for my dear brother jacob. He is a man that loves God fiercely, and loves Him fiercely enough that it is tattooed all over his life. You can't miss it. He is sopping with Jesus. I want to be like that. God I want to love You so much that my life is bizzare compared to the world. I don't want to talk about You, I want to talk TO You! Amazes is not a good enough word to capture the response I have to Your tenderness. I want to just sing new songs to You forever right now! My mind does not understand why You are so gracious, so loving, so kookily faithful and kind. It makes no sense. But it's the most wonderful thing! It's our life story! "The earth was shaking in the dark, all creation felt the Father's broken heart. Tears were filling heaven's eyes the day that True Love died, the day that True Love died! When blood and water hit the ground walls we couldn't move came crashing down! We were free and made alive the day that True Love died! The day that True Love died!!"

pre-adventure thoughts

Leaving tomorrow for colorado!! Ah:) I'm really excited. I want to come back changed. I want God to speak and move and mold and sing to me. I think it will be beautiful and scary and amazing and humbling. As my sister tarah has said, "God is not safe, but He is good, amen?". Amen. I'm glad He's not safe. It scares the crap out of me sometimes, but it beckons me ya know? Calls me deeper. I wanna dive in! I want to be trembling in fear of Him, and then realize that He is my Daddy and that He fights for me. Maybe one day He will make my heart and mind huge enough to comprehend how amazing and crazy that is. I hope so. Maybe it just won't be 'til I get to heaven.
There's a poster in my room that I got when I was little from San Diego Zoo, it has a a grey wolf standing amongst a grove of aspen trees gazing right at the camera with big mago colored eyes. I will soon be amongst the sweet aspens as well! I can't wait to smell them and see them dance in the wind! To wake up and be surrounded by the towering majestic mountains, humming deep songs about Jesus and heaven. Maybe I'll see a wolf! or a bear!! We shall see! A grand adventure awaits! "I will arise and go to Jesus! He will embrace me in His arms! For in the arms of my dear Savior oh there are ten thousand charms!"

my first blog entry

This is kind of exciting. I'm excited about having a blog. I want this to be a place where God is talked about, but but mostly talked to. A place of conversation and pondering. Of laughter and remorse and frustration and delight all splatted together like a big life collage. hmm... Aslan is on the move.